How to choose the perfect baby name in 19 excruciating steps

You’re pregnant. Congratulations!

How are you feeling? Was this planned? I thought you’d been looking doughier lately!

Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl? Are you going to find out?

… Have you thought of a name yet?

There it is — the kabillion-dollar question.

Naming another human is a daunting task. Not to worry, though — I’ve got you covered. Just follow the steps below to ensure your progeny is blessed with the perfect baby name.

19 easy excruciating steps to choosing the perfect baby name

  1. Select a name. The name is Olive. You love this name. It was your grandmother’s name. This will be your child’s name.
  2. Discover, to your great dismay, that your partner hates the name Olive, and refuses to capitulate. Whose baby does he think this is, anyway?
  3. … Oh. Right.
  4. Your partner loves the name Aurora, because he was born above the Arctic Circle and also he is a weirdo. You don’t like it. Exercise your right to veto.
  5. Counter with Olive.
  6. No deal.
  7. Discuss one million more names. Settle on one.
  8. Tell your friends and family the name.
  9. Instantly regret this decision as said friends and family register their opinions on the name.
  10. Return to the drawing board.
  11. Choose another name. This one hits all the right notes — uncommon but not weird, classic but not stodgy, and modern but not trendy. It’s even a family name. Best of all, though, you and your partner both love it.
  12. Do NOT tell anyone the name.
  13. Discover that your parents have become unreasonably attached to the name you suggested previously. Continue regretting having discussed this with them.
  14. Give birth. NBD.
  15. Name your child. Feel happy and secure in your perfect baby name choice.
  16. *Premature mic drop*
  17. Six months later, cringe at the release of a blockbuster film featuring a major character who happens to share your baby’s name.
  18. For the rest of your life, endure exclamations of “Oh, *name* like in *movie*! Did you name her after the movie?” when you tell people your child’s name. This will be mildly irksome, but smile and be nice about it because that’s just life and it’s okay. (You can whine about it on your blog later — after all, that’s what blogs are for.)
  19. Keep Olive in your back pocket for a possible Baby #2. Maybe your partner will come around eventually?

And that, friends, is how it’s done.

You’re welcome.

4 Comment

  1. It’s interesting that this article mentions you should tell the name to friends and family. It says it in a joking manner, but I really think that could be a helpful tip. It could be a great way to make sure you didn’t get attached to a strange name without meaning for no reason.

    1. Jean says: Reply

      That’s a good point — I guess in the end it comes down to personal preference. We regretted telling people so we probably wouldn’t do it again, but I know that isn’t the case for everyone, and I’m sure others have found that feedback from their loved ones helped them dodge a bullet or two ;).

  2. Oh my gosh, the amount of truth in this post is unreal! I just went through all 19 of these steps 🙂

    1. Jean says: Reply

      Oh man, I feel for you Sio. I’m sure you came up with a great one, though!

Leave a Reply